How often do you find yourself here?

I don’t mean on this blog. I mean find yourself strolling along this inter web in search of something. Let me warn you that this post has no special meaning, no specific topic, and absolutely insignificant.

We are 21 days into 2019. For some reason I’ve had this gloomy feeling over me. I know there are others who are going through it too. & I just wonder, why does this wave of sadness brush over me at the start of a “new year”. There’s no real reason to be unhappy, but it just is. I just, am. I just want you, whoever is reading this, to know; Sadness comes in waves, and they also just get washed back out. So don’t sulk or feel alone, someone, somewhere, is feeling what you’re feeling.

Just a thought; Maybe I feel sad because of all this “expectation” for the “new” year. Which mean it should be a fresh start, a new beginning of some sort, and yet here I am getting through just another ordinary day in which there is no significance to the days.

I can say that it has been 10 years since I started “blogging” in general. Putting my thoughts into words on display for strangers who I don’t know to read. Into my life. Into my thoughts. None of it makes sense and it doesn’t have too.

I think that when you’re young; You’re just hoping that this person will be the right one. The one you’re going to be in love with forever, but sometimes you want that so much, you create something that isn’t really there.

If you hold back feelings because you’re afraid of being hurt, you end up hurting anyway.

5 week update

Woo! I’m feeling good! The pain is still there when I try to sleep and when I wake up. Its still a heavy feeling of rocks on my chest. I’m taking less and less medications. I’m able to walk a good mile or two without huffing and puffing which is a big deal. I used to never be able to walk around without wheezing after a few stores. I will have another doctor check up on friday. 10.13.2017 Now, I’m focused on how the scar will be healing because it still looks pretty scary, and I don’t want to wear anything that would scare kids away either.

Besides all the stress about the insurance and their billing, because I got this in the email.
Screen Shot 2017-10-10 at 7.30.38 PM

Who the hell can afford that amount of money in their lifetime? I’m currently looking into what people usually do to afford this kind of stuff.. because the amount is ridiculous and I’m sure it costs people the rest of their lives!

But I’m not gonna focus on that, because……

Tony and I have been together for almost 5 years and he finally proposed this past weekend! I am way to excited for so many blessings in my life right now and this is one of them. Not only is this exciting news but I’ll be going to see Ellen on Thursday! Nothing can keep me down at this point! lol

Counting my blessings.

Better than before.

One of the things that occur to some people after heart surgery is feeling depressed. I’m happy to tell you all, I don’t feel depressed whatsoever. I’m ecstatic that I can walk a distance without wheezing (which I normally do). I’ll admit, sometimes it’s still quite hard to breathe as I feel a sharp pain when I try to take a breath sometimes. I’m told this feeling will go away with time, since I still am barely 20 days post op. I mean its only been 2 1/2 weeks. I’ve got to say I imagined it to be a lot worse than this. I’m feeling better besides the pain and aches I get when I wake up and before I fall asleep.
I’m just really thankful I got through the surgery and that I’m alive and breathing today. I’m so thankful for the support from my boyfriend and taking care of every aspect that I can manage right now. I’m seeing everything differently and more appreciative of life.

This post may be graphic.

Tuesday 9-5-2017

22 more days until my birthday. 

First day leaving the hospital.

My only feeeling is that I’ve been hit by a bus and it ran over me 10 times.. yet I’m still alive just to feel the pain. 

The pain is horrible. Every now and then when I get myself to go to the bathroom I’ll take a peak at the scar. I really want to cry even if they told me the scar will go dow, the bump will be gone, it will get lighter. etc.
I had asked for the incision to be of my rib cage, then instead, they go and change doctors and do it from the sternum. I was furious. Cutting through the bone and the middle of you feels like youre dying but not fully dead. I won’t dread you with how far deep down the scar really goes 

I should be adding the video diaries to this blog soon.. 

Still trying to figure out how to upload the intro video. Now don’t mind me, I’m medicated on so many levels and still feel like there’s not enough for this pain but I will proceed with an update.
Aug 31.  Went into surgery at 530AM for pre op waiting until 7am where man shows up to me and tells me my original surgeon is sick or is in the emergency room? (He didn’t clarify which was it or why) but I was at the point questioning like is this a sign from god to run? Or should I let someone who I had not done a background check or met beforehand continue on with the surgery that I had been waiting for over a year and a half. UGHH panic mode. Ultimately, I felt like if I hadn’t done the surgery that day, I wasn’t sure if my insurance would make me wait another year or something to do this surgery.  

Finally decided fuck it waiting the past two years for this shitty illness it’s been long over due. Fuck it’s let’s do it. What’s the worse that come out? I die in operation room. Whatever.

So another surgeon comes in at 10am (whom I didn’t get to meet while conscious) and they give me some medication to put me to sleep. Last convo I had with the guy who pushed me was into the operating room said, “well this isn’t strong at all for you, is it? I bet you could nail shot after shots.” I replied to him with “Yes, I have high tolerance to alcohol and drugs. (drugged up) gimme more gimme more.” His colleague laughed and sounded surprised while saying, “woah she’s still responding to you, didn’t you medicate her already?” We all laughed and then lights went out. Apparently they had to keep adding meds to force me to sleep because my mind was still too active and I kept thrashing and moving so they had strapped me down.


Laying on a bed in ICU with strings and poles all around me and in me. They are trying to take out the main chest tube from my throat… gosh that was the worst, since I’m starting to have feeling again that pain was unbearable. It took 4 people to hold me down and get that thing out. I was resistant and no I’m not sure why, still drugged up. Then they asked if I was hungry? Fuck no. Just give me whatever you gave me to knock me out so I can sleep through this pain. Things were compressing on my legs like squeezing them and letting go so it would prevent blood clots from forming. I woke up to the realization it was a massager band to avoid blood clots.
Slept through the night as they knocked me out with more meds. I was scared to see myself in a mirror or in any reflection so I just closed my eyes and pretended to see nothing every time I went to the bathroom.