I have memories of us from time to time that playback in those moments I’m alone. Silently, I sit and stare blankly. Like a movie, the scenes flashback as if it was yesterday.. Yesterday when you hugged me, yesterday when you left me. In those moments I want to shed a tear but I can’t. I no longer hold onto the grudges I felt for you when you were alive, instead, I hold onto regret. Regret that I could’ve spent more time with you, I feel regret that I wasn’t always nice to you, regret that I didn’t appreciate you and you never appreciated me. I’m filled with regret because I can no longer plan a future with you in it because you aren’t here. My heart feels strangled and I physically feel chained to the wishing and thinking that you could still be here. That one day you will be at my wedding, you will be there to watch my kids grow up, you would be there for me through everything.
But all of that is all gone. None of it can be possible.
Now as I sit here and think to myself, none of this is in my control.