What if it had been different? What if one thing that significantly shaped who I am had not occurred. What if you had never hurt me. What if I didn’t know what pain was. What if I could have peace with who I was instead of blaming myself and seeing nothing but the faulty ideals you made upon me. The simple kind words slipped between your lips rather than the sharp ones that slit through my ears and sunk into my heart. Those painful words that took upon what was vacant in my mind. It settled in and brewed me into the fragile woman I am today. It’s difficult to feel loved and I find it much easier to resonate with disappointments and critiques. The cost of restoration for my sanity and to rebuild a foundation of sentimental value for myself has become immense. My faulty self has found comfort in pain and at disbelief when it comes to love and happiness. Instilled with criticism of not being enough, the ideal of perfection, and becoming the best or you are worth nothing at all. This battle between myself and my thoughts have become a day-to-day basis. This feeling that creeps into my mind when it has no real occupant, but the objective thought, a distinct memory from you is what still haunts me. This battle I fight feels hopeless because neither I, nor it can win. This constant fight consumes me, drowns me in sadness, and smiles as it leads me to a puddle of depression.
I wish that you could release me from these thoughts, but you are no longer the one who carries the chains. It is I, who’s locked myself in this cage. To which I cannot seem to find the will or a way to set myself free. I am forever chained and a prisoner of my own thoughts..