My heart is as fragile as a well preserved one. Even though it exists, it can easily be broken. Just because the knowledge of knowing my heart is only 23 years young, doesn’t mean that the inside of it hasn’t already been deteriorating as if it were an 80 year old smoking mans heart. My lungs, let me get to my lungs. The doctor tells me the pressure in my lungs are at very high levels and are surprised I still appear to be alright without being dwindled into any machines. I truly thank God for that by the way. It’s over my heard how I am waking up every morning, getting to see the world another day, and do it all again the next.

As for those of you who wondered, or for those of you who ever doubted I had any medical issues when I complained as a teenager. I knew there was something wrong with me, but I also thought I’d be dying by the time I’m 30 and death was the 4 walls that surrounded me. I guess you can say my “crazy” thoughts during those times were right. I had always avoided the docs who could diagnose me because I found no point in seeking medical attention. Truth be told,  If I hadn’t fallen in love and I hadn’t found someone to make me see a future for myself. I probably would still be on my spiraling mess of a life.. and dead at 30.

So many people thought I was crying wolf and thought I was just making bullshit up about the issues with my heart. Well, its real. I haven’t gotten a chance to really talk to anyone much about it, because talk of sap stuff in person to someone makes me feel a little lame and a little helpless. Oh I hate seeing someones facial expression towards me like I’m a baby deer. The hole in my heart is about the size of a nickel. The pressure in my lungs, well that could cause me to have a heart attack at any moment. “You’ve been walking around with heart failure” – MY DOC.

Now my worries? I worry about the size of the scar for open heart surgery. I would hate it down the middle of my chest. I want for there to be another option. With the issues I have inside my mind, this would be just the big last stab to my self esteem. I’m just waiting for the insurance to approve whether or not and which surgery I’d be able to get. I don’t know what to do with myself in the next few months. I don’t know whether to continue with school or just vacation my way until whatever happens– happens.

 

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