I should be adding the video diaries to this blog soon.. 

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Still trying to figure out how to upload the intro video. Now don’t mind me, I’m medicated on so many levels and still feel like there’s not enough for this pain but I will proceed with an update.
Aug 31.  Went into surgery at 530AM for pre op waiting until 7am where man shows up to me and tells me my original surgeon is sick or is in the emergency room? (He didn’t clarify which was it or why) but I was at the point questioning like is this a sign from god to run? Or should I let someone who I had not done a background check or met beforehand continue on with the surgery that I had been waiting for over a year and a half. UGHH panic mode. Ultimately, I felt like if I hadn’t done the surgery that day, I wasn’t sure if my insurance would make me wait another year or something to do this surgery.  

Finally decided fuck it waiting the past two years for this shitty illness it’s been long over due. Fuck it’s let’s do it. What’s the worse that come out? I die in operation room. Whatever.

So another surgeon comes in at 10am (whom I didn’t get to meet while conscious) and they give me some medication to put me to sleep. Last convo I had with the guy who pushed me was into the operating room said, “well this isn’t strong at all for you, is it? I bet you could nail shot after shots.” I replied to him with “Yes, I have high tolerance to alcohol and drugs. (drugged up) gimme more gimme more.” His colleague laughed and sounded surprised while saying, “woah she’s still responding to you, didn’t you medicate her already?” We all laughed and then lights went out. Apparently they had to keep adding meds to force me to sleep because my mind was still too active and I kept thrashing and moving so they had strapped me down.


Laying on a bed in ICU with strings and poles all around me and in me. They are trying to take out the main chest tube from my throat… gosh that was the worst, since I’m starting to have feeling again that pain was unbearable. It took 4 people to hold me down and get that thing out. I was resistant and no I’m not sure why, still drugged up. Then they asked if I was hungry? Fuck no. Just give me whatever you gave me to knock me out so I can sleep through this pain. Things were compressing on my legs like squeezing them and letting go so it would prevent blood clots from forming. I woke up to the realization it was a massager band to avoid blood clots.
Slept through the night as they knocked me out with more meds. I was scared to see myself in a mirror or in any reflection so I just closed my eyes and pretended to see nothing every time I went to the bathroom.

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