If you hold back feelings because you’re afraid of being hurt, you end up hurting anyway.
Woo! I’m feeling good! The pain is still there when I try to sleep and when I wake up. Its still a heavy feeling of rocks on my chest. I’m taking less and less medications. I’m able to walk a good mile or two without huffing and puffing which is a big deal. I used to never be able to walk around without wheezing after a few stores. I will have another doctor check up on friday. 10.13.2017 Now, I’m focused on how the scar will be healing because it still looks pretty scary, and I don’t want to wear anything that would scare kids away either.
Besides all the stress about the insurance and their billing, because I got this in the email.
Who the hell can afford that amount of money in their lifetime? I’m currently looking into what people usually do to afford this kind of stuff.. because the amount is ridiculous and I’m sure it costs people the rest of their lives!
But I’m not gonna focus on that, because……
I GOT ENGAGED!!!!!!!
Tony and I have been together for almost 5 years and he finally proposed this past weekend! I am way to excited for so many blessings in my life right now and this is one of them. Not only is this exciting news but I’ll be going to see Ellen on Thursday! Nothing can keep me down at this point! lol
Counting my blessings.
One of the things that occur to some people after heart surgery is feeling depressed. I’m happy to tell you all, I don’t feel depressed whatsoever. I’m ecstatic that I can walk a distance without wheezing (which I normally do). I’ll admit, sometimes it’s still quite hard to breathe as I feel a sharp pain when I try to take a breath sometimes. I’m told this feeling will go away with time, since I still am barely 20 days post op. I mean its only been 2 1/2 weeks. I’ve got to say I imagined it to be a lot worse than this. I’m feeling better besides the pain and aches I get when I wake up and before I fall asleep.
I’m just really thankful I got through the surgery and that I’m alive and breathing today. I’m so thankful for the support from my boyfriend and taking care of every aspect that I can manage right now. I’m seeing everything differently and more appreciative of life.
22 more days until my birthday.
First day leaving the hospital.
My only feeeling is that I’ve been hit by a bus and it ran over me 10 times.. yet I’m still alive just to feel the pain.
The pain is horrible. Every now and then when I get myself to go to the bathroom I’ll take a peak at the scar. I really want to cry even if they told me the scar will go dow, the bump will be gone, it will get lighter. etc.
I had asked for the incision to be of my rib cage, then instead, they go and change doctors and do it from the sternum. I was furious. Cutting through the bone and the middle of you feels like youre dying but not fully dead. I won’t dread you with how far deep down the scar really goes
Still trying to figure out how to upload the intro video. Now don’t mind me, I’m medicated on so many levels and still feel like there’s not enough for this pain but I will proceed with an update.
Aug 31. Went into surgery at 530AM for pre op waiting until 7am where man shows up to me and tells me my original surgeon is sick or is in the emergency room? (He didn’t clarify which was it or why) but I was at the point questioning like is this a sign from god to run? Or should I let someone who I had not done a background check or met beforehand continue on with the surgery that I had been waiting for over a year and a half. UGHH panic mode. Ultimately, I felt like if I hadn’t done the surgery that day, I wasn’t sure if my insurance would make me wait another year or something to do this surgery.
Finally decided fuck it waiting the past two years for this shitty illness it’s been long over due. Fuck it’s let’s do it. What’s the worse that come out? I die in operation room. Whatever.
So another surgeon comes in at 10am (whom I didn’t get to meet while conscious) and they give me some medication to put me to sleep. Last convo I had with the guy who pushed me was into the operating room said, “well this isn’t strong at all for you, is it? I bet you could nail shot after shots.” I replied to him with “Yes, I have high tolerance to alcohol and drugs. (drugged up) gimme more gimme more.” His colleague laughed and sounded surprised while saying, “woah she’s still responding to you, didn’t you medicate her already?” We all laughed and then lights went out. Apparently they had to keep adding meds to force me to sleep because my mind was still too active and I kept thrashing and moving so they had strapped me down.
Laying on a bed in ICU with strings and poles all around me and in me. They are trying to take out the main chest tube from my throat… gosh that was the worst, since I’m starting to have feeling again that pain was unbearable. It took 4 people to hold me down and get that thing out. I was resistant and no I’m not sure why, still drugged up. Then they asked if I was hungry? Fuck no. Just give me whatever you gave me to knock me out so I can sleep through this pain. Things were compressing on my legs like squeezing them and letting go so it would prevent blood clots from forming. I woke up to the realization it was a massager band to avoid blood clots.
Slept through the night as they knocked me out with more meds. I was scared to see myself in a mirror or in any reflection so I just closed my eyes and pretended to see nothing every time I went to the bathroom.
I will be going into surgery tomorrow at 7AM. Early start.
Excited? Yes. Nervous? Fuck yes.
Hopefully it all goes well and smoothly. Hopefully they can do the cut through my rib and not have to crack my sternum.
I’m more worried about the recovery part since I have an anxiety issue from time to time. I really hope it doesn’t get worse with a fixed heart, because I read in some places that peoples hearts get way more fluttery than normal. That is not something I look forward to. I ate well this week, most of the stuff that I would be happily to say they were my last meals. haha.
My boyfriend jokes that he felt a tummy this morning from the weight I’ve probably gained from eating all crazy.. & he also asked if Im ready to lose some weight after surgery?
So I finally made the video talking a little bit about how I discovered my ASD. To be honest, I tried recording a few times and forgot which one I uploaded because most of them were blurry and I felt I used “UMM” too many times but it will suffice. I wanted to edit some parts out and make it more to the point, but the tech, camera SD memory card, and lighting wouldn’t allow me to do so.
My old youtube had it to for those who were already subscribed to me from previous years:
OLD YOUTUBE ( Don’t subscribe to this because I will not update any further)
But if you want to follow along on updates on my journey to recovery and snippets of details of the feeling come follow along:
THIS IS MY NEW YOUTUBE VVV
DISCLAIMER: I do have to warn you that these videos I talk about might be depressing at points since I will be talking about my pain levels and being so secluded and not being able to do a damn thing. lol