I forgot how great I can be when I really put my mind and effort into something.
What if it had been different? What if one thing that significantly shaped who I am had not occurred. What if you had never hurt me. What if I didn’t know what pain was. What if I could have peace with who I was instead of blaming myself and seeing nothing but the faulty ideals you made upon me. The simple kind words slipped between your lips rather than the sharp ones that slit through my ears and sunk into my heart. Those painful words that took upon what was vacant in my mind. It settled in and brewed me into the fragile woman I am today. It’s difficult to feel loved and I find it much easier to resonate with disappointments and critiques. The cost of restoration for my sanity and to rebuild a foundation of sentimental value for myself has become immense. My faulty self has found comfort in pain and at disbelief when it comes to love and happiness. Instilled with criticism of not being enough, the ideal of perfection, and becoming the best or you are worth nothing at all. This battle between myself and my thoughts have become a day-to-day basis. This feeling that creeps into my mind when it has no real occupant, but the objective thought, a distinct memory from you is what still haunts me. This battle I fight feels hopeless because neither I, nor it can win. This constant fight consumes me, drowns me in sadness, and smiles as it leads me to a puddle of depression.
I wish that you could release me from these thoughts, but you are no longer the one who carries the chains. It is I, who’s locked myself in this cage. To which I cannot seem to find the will or a way to set myself free. I am forever chained and a prisoner of my own thoughts..
Who’d ever thought you’d be where you are now? The fifteen year old you expected to be well off on her own doing bigger things. Instead, you’re here in a cluster fuck with still very little sense for direction in life. Your hopes and dreams, well they were just that. It’s not all that bad though. You’ve somehow stumbled upon a glimpse of happiness and found what you have always longed for; Stability. Fear not, hun. The future is no longer a scary unimaginable place. If there’s anything you’ve learned in the last 8 years its that everything really does come and go. It’s true when people say to value and appreciate what you have now because you never know when you might get or see it again. Remember to have faith and know that people are watching over you. Recall the times when you desperately needed guidance and help that somehow along the way something or some sort of opportunity will fall into your lap. Seriously, just have faith. Be generous with love and remember to help those with less. Don’t fret and don’t take anything for granted. You’re almost a quarter way through life and it has not only been a bumpy road but this. This has shown how much you endured and how far you really can go. Don’t forget to have heart and don’t lose sight of your goals, as I know you are easily sidetracked.
I have memories of us from time to time that playback in those moments I’m alone. Silently, I sit and stare blankly. Like a movie, the scenes flashback as if it was yesterday.. Yesterday when you hugged me, yesterday when you left me. In those moments I want to shed a tear but I can’t. I no longer hold onto the grudges I felt for you when you were alive, instead, I hold onto regret. Regret that I could’ve spent more time with you, I feel regret that I wasn’t always nice to you, regret that I didn’t appreciate you and you never appreciated me. I’m filled with regret because I can no longer plan a future with you in it because you aren’t here. My heart feels strangled and I physically feel chained to the wishing and thinking that you could still be here. That one day you will be at my wedding, you will be there to watch my kids grow up, you would be there for me through everything.
But all of that is all gone. None of it can be possible.
Now as I sit here and think to myself, none of this is in my control.
Its easy to fall into society’s idea of what’s worth something. We are made to believe the models on Instagram and in magazines are what we’re supposed to look like. Well, too bad because I love food too much. But I just wanted to make it a point that materialistic things aren’t worth the stress. I went from having everything to nothing and now I have some things. I’m no longer wanting to show off or even care too. I’ve found that I truly find happiness throwing money in a jar that is meant to be saved up for traveling. I find that I am truly satisfied when I’m looking at a new scenery while standing at a place I’ve never been before.
There’s something about starting new that brings excitement and a feeling of new beginnings. Basically a wiped clean slate.
Hi there! If you’ve stumbled upon this post, Good for you!
I last started a blog when I was 15. I wrote about things true to me at the time and it was just stupid teenage love questioning when she would find the one.
Here I am at 23. I’m in a happy & healthy relationship, I have a (stupid) very cute dog, and I love chicken nuggets more than you know. You’re probably wondering what the hell I’ll write about here. Well, I’m not really sure. See, I used to spend a lot of my time blogging when I was a teenager. I don’t plan on whining a lot on this blog like I did on tumblr, but I can’t make any promises. I guess I just want to be able to connect with the world again.. or realistically my inner self.